Monday, April 06, 2009
there are just no words to describe what is going on inside of me. there is so much pain and anguish all around me and within. i can't make heads or tails of anything right now. i am second guessing everything i once knew. or thought i knew...all i know at the moment is that life gets harder and harder as you move forward. whoever said being an adult was fun must not have been an adult and should be punched in the face! i have so many unanswered questions. i'm told that i just need to let go and let God have it...i need to trust Him more. will i ever trust him fully? will i ever trust him enough? i don't know if i am capable. i just don't understand why we/i have to go throguh so much hurt. i don't know how to glorify God in it. i don't know how to deal with it or cope. i just hurt...i shut down...i ask questions...i have a compulsion to find out why...to gain some sort of undersatinding of something...i long for something tangible that i can hold onto. but i feel like i continually come up empty. yet when i think back to all i have gone through in the past and i see how God's hand has brought me through each of those events...i'm ashamed of how i struggle so. i should be the most trusting and hopeful person after seeing all the miracles God's hands have performed...after acknowledging and seeing how God has taken care of me why do i question him now and doubt or get angry with him? it really makes no sense when you think about it logically. for being an analytical thinker, i'm not very logical at times. ironic huh? don't ask me...i don't know why my brain works the way it does. i'm just torn and confused and broken and worn down. and i don't know what to do about it...i know what not to do about it...but that only helps me so much. it's time for the next step...any ideas asto what that is?