Thursday, June 07, 2007

whatever is true...

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things,"(Phillippians 4:8).

a few years ago while i was working at timber-lee christian center, i had a mentor who challenged me with this verse. she encouraged me to take every thought captive and hold it up against what i know to be true...it is amazing how incredibly hard this can be at times. i'll admit that one of my biggest struggles in life is being confident in who God has created me to be. i know it...but i don't always believe it...i am at constant war within my own mind of what is true and what isn't...some days the lies are easier to spot...and some days i just really don't know what the truth is...

so why am i telling you all this...well, this morning i had a customer tell me that i was incompetent...boy did that srike a nerve...it hurt...it's NOT true...and yet it gnaws at me...and frustrates me...how could he say something like that? why do i automatically second guess myself? why am i so apt to believe the lie and have to fight so hard to trust in and believe the turth? it just doesn't make sense...and so is my plight...the source of my fristration and anger at the moment...and thus the need to vent and the purpose of this post...

now that i have vented...and now you know my struggle...i just want to ask you for prayer...i am weary of this battle...i know i am God's child...i may struggle, but i am not incompetent...i don't always think before i say or do something, but i am not dumb...pray that i will continue to grow in confidence in God's truth...in who i am...i have come a long way since that time at timber-lee...and that is a praise within itself...i just need to contiue to hold on to and fight for the truth...

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

relief

for the past week and a half i have been struggling and battling with being anxious...anxious about what i was doing, going to do, how i should act, etc. basically, between changing jobs, moving back home and re-evaluating relationships, i have been tossed into a sea of unknowns...and if anyone really knows me, i don't like not knowing - just being honest. so i wonder, have i made the right decisions, what else do i need to change, what is my role in the family, how should i act toward this or that person now that the relationship has changed...and so on...
and again for those that know me, once my brain gets going it just snowballs...i have a very difficuly time shutting it off...so i am left with lack of sleep and constantly second guessing myself...which then lead to frustration and anger becasue i just don't know what to do or think...and though i would try to hold onto what i knew to be Truth...after a while i could barely distinguish what the Truth was...
throughout this time i also battled with giving things up to God and leaving things in His hands...as much as i wanted to and tried i also wanted to control and figure things out...not a very good cycle...nor trusting...but it is where i was at...
but today when i woke up something clicked...changed...i still didn't have answers to all of these questions...but today it was ok...i didn't need them...i had peace despite all these uncertainies...
do you ever wonder in the midst of times like these what's the point? like, why am i really here...is it just to get through the muck of the day...or is there more...
i was thinking about that last night due to a movie i had just watched - freedom writers- (excellent movie by the way)...and some things i had been reading lately all started coming together...giving me purpose/drive inside of this time of uncertainty...there is more to this life than these transitions...i was reminded of the bigger picture, and all of my problems becaame less of a burden...i don't know how to describe it really...it just happened...
i know that transition and change are apart of this life...and though it still kinda sucks to be in the middle of it...that is not all there is...i am here on this earth to be loved and have a relationship with God and love others with that same unabiding love...my purpose is to seek out the kingdom of heaven and let God use me if He so chooses to reach out to others for His kingdom...i am God's child bound for heaven...and though i still have to work my way through this rough transition and live life here on earth my home is in heaven! i know this can sound like a sunday school answer...but for the first time ever this concept is more than jus an answer...it has become apart of my life really truely...
so i have peace...i have relief from the burdens i have been carrying for the last few weeks...today i am ready to move on and let God do what He is going to do...
it still amazes me how something so simple is soo hard to grasp...let alone believe and put into practice...crazy huh?!?

Sunday, April 01, 2007

can't sleep

so it is 3 in the morning...and i am wide awake...what the crap is that all about?!? i truely don't understand...i really dislike not being able to sleep...not going to lie...
so how does one be productive this eaarly in the morning? does one really have to be? i sure don't feel up to it...but yet at the same time i feel anxious/jittery...oh well...
with all this in mind i thought i would share about yesterday...yesterday we had our practice day at bebe's coffee house...friends and family came in...we practiced our drink making ability and learned how to make sandwiches...it was fun...tomorrow we open officially!!! i can't believe it...if it were tomorrow i would be getting up shortly anyways, thus being awak at this hour wouldn't be that bad...but today when i don't have to get up until 7:30...well i am sure you all can understand...
i think i am done babbling...hope you all are sleeping well tonight :) i will catch up with yous later.

Friday, March 30, 2007

confusion


so i have been thinking...i know this can be dangerous...


why is it that as a child of God and follower of Christ - those who have recieved the most grace and unabiding and unfailing love be the same ones who love so little and judge so harshly those around us...why, if i am being covered and spared by Christ's blood and am loved unconditionally is it hard to accept for myself or pour out onto others? how can we who have recieved so much love from You, be the same ones who lock up our hearts from the rest of the world...

why is it that the ones you have spent so much time and thought into intricately forming and creating be the same ones who try to change or hide or be ashamed of who we are...who you made us to be...me to be...we are our own worsts critics...why if i am truly and wonderfully made, do i have a hundred thoughts or more in a day critiquing myself as to how i should change to be someone different? do i even think about how the critques of myself hurt the you as my maker???

why do we as christians hide more behind masks than any non-believer i know? why does it feel like churches are one of the most unaccepting and judgemental places for a non-believer?

i struggle, because as a christian i believe that i should not only live vibrantly in confidence of who i am in Christ...but i should also be one of the most accepting, gracious, loving and forgiving persons of this world...i mean i am freely loved and accepted as i am this moment - good, bad and ugly.

let’s be honest here...when one really thinks about all this it makes no sense...we are loved yet withhold love...we are accepted yet push away acceptance...we have been bestowed grace and yet judge...we are wonderfully made yet strive to change...

i know that these are some bold and broad accusations...but again can anyone honestly say that since they have become a one of God's own they have not struggled with one of the above? i don't know it just causes me to wonder...

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

training day :)



yesterday, we started our coffee training...we played with the espsresso machine quite a bit...and we drank more coffee than i can even measure out...can i just say that i will prbably be addicted to the stuff before the month's out! is this a good thing? i'm not sure how i feel about it...but i am excited about becoming barista :) soon i will know almost all there is to know about this coffee business...crazy huh?!?

just so you know...that is what a "good" espresso is supossed to look like...this is the easy part too...

then comes the not so easy part...adding the steamed, foaming milk...lets just say we all need a little practice...sil and i decided to buy a gallon of milk to perfect our steaming/foaming ability...

well that's all for now...more to come soon as we get closer to being open...

Sunday, March 04, 2007

at the airport


hi all!! here i am...waiting at the airport in portland...waiting to board my plane and come home. and i have to say, that i am excited!! i am excited to see the chicago skyline as the plane lands tonight...i am excited to sleep in my own bed...i am excited to see and spend time with people i love and care for and haven't seen in a week :) i know it has only been a week...but still i missed them very much! and i am excited to start my new job on tuesday...
this last week was such a blessing :) i got some very much needed rest. this week was completely stress free...no worries whatsoever...something i haven't had in a long while and i am grateful for it :) tif, my old roomate from wisconsin, and i had a great week together...she was a great blessing too...it was so nice to spend time with her and catch up and see how life has been treating her and what not. we went out and celebrated new beingings in a unique way...let's just say that i marked this transition in my life...(you might be able to see it in the picture...if not you'll understand when i see you all)
i am ready to take on this next step in my life...and where it might lead i haven't the slightest clue...but i am expecting great and marvelous things...oh, and i am sure that there will be hard things in there too...cause let's be honest how else would i grow...we all know i can be a bit stubborn :) anyways...please keep praying for me during this time of transition and what not...that i will contiune to seek out God's purpose in the everyday and the here and now...thank you all...see you when i get home...have to run i will be boarding soon!

Monday, February 26, 2007

moving day


hey all!! how's life been treating you? how have you been treating life? life and i have wrestled a bit in the last couple of weeks...but that's a good thing...it has made me be decisive and make some important decisions. so i thought i would take a brief moment and let you all know what is going on...
well, yesterday was my last workig day here at dickson valley camp. part af me is sad to be done...but i know that it is just time to move on. to what you might be asking...good question...in a week i will start training at a local coffee shop that will be officially opening up march 12th. bebe's coffee house...all must come and visit if you can...the joint is looking great and will be quite the hang out :) i am excited for the change of pace...for a long while i had been thinking about how fun it would be to work in a coffee shop and now here is my chance...don't get me wrong, my heart is still geared towards camping ministry...i am just at a crossroads and don't know where to go with it right now...so i am looking at these next couple of months as a sabatical...time to recharge and refocus...so as to be prepared for whatever God will call me to next. i am aso praying that during this time God and i can reconnect on an intimate level...i'll be honest...i've been worn out these last couple of months and He has been getting my bare minimum...i know it's true and i'm not going to lie...
so today is the big moving day! i will be moving out of my apt. here at camp and will be moving back home for awhile. tomorrow i get to take a trip to oregon - i've never been there before - and visit tiffiny my old room mate from timber-lee...then when i come back i jump into a new schedule and atmoshpere...
please pray with me during this transitional time...also pray that during this time at the coffee shop i will be able to reach out to people that don't know the Lord...that God will provide me with many opportunities to love on and build relationships with many different people coming and going from this shop. thank you :) love you all!!!

Sunday, January 28, 2007

encouraging words

i know that this is unusual for me to write within such a short time...but i really wanted to share about my weekend...so this weekend at camp we have one group in...pni...this group comes out to camp every summer and winter...and through my time here i have come to know and cherish various different people in this group...well, i have been struggling with remembering my purpose for being here...i'll be honest, lately i have been going through the motions...doing what i know i need to do but longing for that passion i once had...and throughout this weekend God has used the leaders in this group to encourage and refresh me...God has used this time to show me a glimpse of what He has done through me during my time here...and i was just blown away...i think that many people much like myself have a hard time remembering, let alone seeing the bigger picture...and when we forget about that picture and only see what is right around us day in and day out we miss out on something joyous...something i don't even know how to explain...we can lose our drive to make our part of the picture vibrant and unique...we fall into conforming to what's around us because, let's be honest, it is easier...we don't have to think about it or go against the flow...and just end up floating along...that is where i have been...but God is stirring something within me...something that hasn't been awaken in awhile...i don't know how to put it into words...i don't know if there are words for it...but please be in prayer for me...
again i just wanted to thank you all for your encouragement and prayers as of late too...it has done wonders for my soul...really and truly...thank you sooo much...and my prayer for all of you is that God will encourage and bless you all as much and more than He has used you all to bless me...i hope you all have a wonderful week :)

(side note...i met this pretty great worship leader this weekend...his name is thomas dickerson...we had a nice chat about being filled with Jesus and reaching out to those around us in a non-conforming way...anyways, he has a huge passion for seeking those who don't know Jesus...i mean really know Him personally...and he has been blessed with the opportunity to start off in the music business...it is through a new secular publishing company...but God has some neat things in store for all those involved...it is exciting for him...all this to say, he has a cd coming out soon..."calling all nations"...look for it...i think you will enjoy it.)

Friday, January 26, 2007

neoteny

"And He said: 'I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.'"
Matthew 18:3-4


Neoteny is "the retention of youthful qualities by adults." Qualities like: curiosity, playfulness, eagerness, fearlessness, warmth, energy, open, willing to take risks, hungry for knowledge and experience, courageous, eager to see what the new day brings...Children know no limits...They can do anything...or at least try anything at least once...no hindrances...they are full of creativity and drive...it's amazing...

The sad part about all of this is that these qualities are repressed as they get older...society...the church..."authorities" begin to tell them/us that it is not ok to be unique...it's not productive to be creative...one must conform to the way everyone else does things...looks at things...just because this is what we do...what we know...so we become self-conscience...fearful...timid...we limit ourselves...we limit God...or like Mark Batterson puts it in his book In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day , "we become small people with a small God."

So what do we do??? We must come back to the truth that we have been created to have limitless dreams and imaginations to serve a limitless God with unlimited resources...to believe in this truth...to hold on to it with all one's might...can you even imagine the possibilities of what God will do??? I mean really...I know I struggle with seeing my God in that light sometimes... I allow myself to be limited...I settle with conformity in order to not mess with the status quo...I know I do...so what can I change...I can change my attitude...I must fight the battle everyday, sometimes a hundred times...to not worry about what others will say or think...but to be filled with the Spirit...to focus on what He wants me to do and what He thinks of me and really that is all that matters...

What am I trying to say in all this...well, I guess that as of today I am making it my personal goal and challenge to come back to those childlike qualities I was created with and live my life through them...not being limited...not being afraid of looking foolish in the world's eyes...so please pray for me in this process...I know I can't do this alone.

By the way...I wanted to thank all of you eho responded to my last blog...I was so encouraged by all of you...Truly and deeply...thank you very much :)

Sunday, January 14, 2007

resistance

"Resistance is the derailing force we experience when we attempt any potentially good thing — a painting, an article, a marathon or a marriage. It strikes anyone who hopes to move to a higher plane — in relationships, spirituality, academics, creative work or business," (Stephen Pressfield, The War of Art).

Interesting huh?!? I read this article on boundless.org, talking about getting unstuck and striving for your dreams...and it got me to thinking...what resistance is in my life right now? what am i not pursuing because i feel and/or believe that it cannot be done? the first thing that comes to mind is camp...camp in terms of starting my own camp...starting my own traveling camp...where i go to the groups and serve them where they are at...actually the more that i think about this the more i see how i've let resistance reign in my life...ideally i would be meeting various different people where they are at and striving to love and serve them as God will allow me to. i've been holding back and making excuses...like, i just don't know what to say or do...or i haven't contacted this person in forever, what will they think if i do now, out of the blue? lately i feel as if i have been running on empty...barely able to make through what needs to be done in a day let alone anything extra...i guess that would be the bulk of it...the resistance in my life is the lack of energy and discouragement i feel...lately it has been so bad that i'm not even sure these "dreams" of mine are really worthwhile, in the sense that i am still called to strive after them...part of me is just not sure anymore...so what does one do?

beating resistance...
“It occurs when the boy who has been enchanted in the nursery by stories from the Odyssey buckles down to really learning Greek. It occurs when lovers have gotten married and begin the real task of learning to live together. In every department of life it marks the transition from dreaming aspiration to laborious doing." (C.S. Lewis)

take action...one must do something...anything really...just move...this is where i have been guilty...i haven't taken action in awhile...right now i am still trying to figue out what type of action to take...even if it be small at least it is something to get me moving agian..."an object in motion tends to stay in motion, while and object at rest tends to stay at rest..." that sort of thing...

so i guess in all this i would just be asking for your prayers...pray that i will take action this week...that i will fight resistance even if it is in something small and almost insignificant...it needs to be done...i wish i knew how to be more specific than this...i just don't know right now. i'm sure you all know how that goes :) thanks!

one last thought to leave you all with...
“If you were meant to cure cancer or write a symphony or crack cold fusion and you don’t do it, you not only hurt yourself, even destroy yourself. You hurt your children, you hurt me, you hurt the planet,” Pressfield writes. “You shame the angels who watch over you and you spite God Almighty, who created you and only you with your unique gifts, for the sole purpose of nudging the human race one millimeter further along its path back to God.” (Stephen Pressfield)