Wednesday, April 29, 2009

familiar yet foreign

i feel so out of place...i look around me...i know all of this...this is too familiar...i know what i should do...how to act...everything looks just like i left it...but something has changed...something is not quite the same...something is foreign and i am not sure it really belongs...
is it me? or is it the furniture? what's changed? i just can't figure it out...it almost feels like i'm in the twilight zone...you know where everything looks the same on the outside...but something is drastically wrong...its not home.
i feel anxious and concerned...i know how to dress the part...but i don't know what to expect.
how can something so familiar be so foreign? how can something that felt so much like home feel more like an abandoned warehouse? i just don't understand what has happened...i just don't know what to do...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

tomorrow

my stomache is churning...i'm feeling anxious...the dread is overwhelming...

i wish i could wish away tomorrow...i wish tomorrw didn't have to happen...i'm not ready for tomorrow...

tomorrow reality hits...tomorrow i have to face what i have been avoiding all week...tomorrow i have to say goodbye...

tomorrow is my cousin's funeral...he was 17 years old...and about week ago he decided to take his own life...

tomorrow makes my worst fears and nightmares more real...tomorrow brings so much pain and sorrow...

my heart aches for the people i will encounter tomorrow...tomorrwo i am not the only one hurting...tomorrow i am not the only one searching

tomorrow there will be no answers...tomorrow there is no promise of understanding...tomorrow just is, tomorrow...

i dread facing the realities of tomorrow...i don't know how to deal with tomorrow...i don't know how to heal from tomorrow...

tomorrow is a day i wish would never be...i wish i could live without tomorrow...i wish i could wish tomorrow away...

Saturday, April 11, 2009

what makes my heart break...

i woke up this morning sad and hurting...all i could think about were students i've known and students i have yet to meet...i think about how with each generation these kids are being forced into adulthood earlier and earlier...i think about all the broken homes and broken hearts...how the trend is less and less focused on families and more focused on self...how do i take care of myself? what's most important for me? and so on and so on...with each passing generation students are faced with harder and unbelievable issues...with each generation students seem to neglected more and more...with each generation the attitude of students becomes more and more apethetic...being a kid and being excited for what life has to offer is being exchanged for just getting by and finding ways to numb oneself from the harsh realities of life and having to go it alone...ask a student who their support system is and you will be suprised by their answers...you will hear things like, "my friends" or "i don't have/need one" you might hear "my family or my church" but this is rare...the older generations are suppossed to be investing in these younger generations...we are suppossed to be preparing them for life...but we ignore them, reject them, are repulsed by them...there is this great divide between the younger generations and the older ones...neither really understands the other...and neither really wants to...the older feels disrespected and the younger feels rejected...this is what makes my heart break...this is what makes me sad...i heard an unbelievable statistic the other day...someone said that ever 16 minutes a teenager takes his/her own life...suicide is more prevelent amongst teenagers than any other age...again at an age where hope of life should prevail...there is nothing they feel is worth living for...they have their whole life ahead of them...yet for them that is a painful thought filled with dread...how sad is this? are we willing to help bring change? what can we do?

Monday, April 06, 2009

questions

there are just no words to describe what is going on inside of me. there is so much pain and anguish all around me and within. i can't make heads or tails of anything right now. i am second guessing everything i once knew. or thought i knew...all i know at the moment is that life gets harder and harder as you move forward. whoever said being an adult was fun must not have been an adult and should be punched in the face! i have so many unanswered questions. i'm told that i just need to let go and let God have it...i need to trust Him more. will i ever trust him fully? will i ever trust him enough? i don't know if i am capable. i just don't understand why we/i have to go throguh so much hurt. i don't know how to glorify God in it. i don't know how to deal with it or cope. i just hurt...i shut down...i ask questions...i have a compulsion to find out why...to gain some sort of undersatinding of something...i long for something tangible that i can hold onto. but i feel like i continually come up empty. yet when i think back to all i have gone through in the past and i see how God's hand has brought me through each of those events...i'm ashamed of how i struggle so. i should be the most trusting and hopeful person after seeing all the miracles God's hands have performed...after acknowledging and seeing how God has taken care of me why do i question him now and doubt or get angry with him? it really makes no sense when you think about it logically. for being an analytical thinker, i'm not very logical at times. ironic huh? don't ask me...i don't know why my brain works the way it does. i'm just torn and confused and broken and worn down. and i don't know what to do about it...i know what not to do about it...but that only helps me so much. it's time for the next step...any ideas asto what that is?