Wednesday, April 25, 2007

relief

for the past week and a half i have been struggling and battling with being anxious...anxious about what i was doing, going to do, how i should act, etc. basically, between changing jobs, moving back home and re-evaluating relationships, i have been tossed into a sea of unknowns...and if anyone really knows me, i don't like not knowing - just being honest. so i wonder, have i made the right decisions, what else do i need to change, what is my role in the family, how should i act toward this or that person now that the relationship has changed...and so on...
and again for those that know me, once my brain gets going it just snowballs...i have a very difficuly time shutting it off...so i am left with lack of sleep and constantly second guessing myself...which then lead to frustration and anger becasue i just don't know what to do or think...and though i would try to hold onto what i knew to be Truth...after a while i could barely distinguish what the Truth was...
throughout this time i also battled with giving things up to God and leaving things in His hands...as much as i wanted to and tried i also wanted to control and figure things out...not a very good cycle...nor trusting...but it is where i was at...
but today when i woke up something clicked...changed...i still didn't have answers to all of these questions...but today it was ok...i didn't need them...i had peace despite all these uncertainies...
do you ever wonder in the midst of times like these what's the point? like, why am i really here...is it just to get through the muck of the day...or is there more...
i was thinking about that last night due to a movie i had just watched - freedom writers- (excellent movie by the way)...and some things i had been reading lately all started coming together...giving me purpose/drive inside of this time of uncertainty...there is more to this life than these transitions...i was reminded of the bigger picture, and all of my problems becaame less of a burden...i don't know how to describe it really...it just happened...
i know that transition and change are apart of this life...and though it still kinda sucks to be in the middle of it...that is not all there is...i am here on this earth to be loved and have a relationship with God and love others with that same unabiding love...my purpose is to seek out the kingdom of heaven and let God use me if He so chooses to reach out to others for His kingdom...i am God's child bound for heaven...and though i still have to work my way through this rough transition and live life here on earth my home is in heaven! i know this can sound like a sunday school answer...but for the first time ever this concept is more than jus an answer...it has become apart of my life really truely...
so i have peace...i have relief from the burdens i have been carrying for the last few weeks...today i am ready to move on and let God do what He is going to do...
it still amazes me how something so simple is soo hard to grasp...let alone believe and put into practice...crazy huh?!?

2 comments:

abby said...

oh sarah...you're awesome. Just keep letting us know where in the world you are! :) The Mortons love you!

Amanda said...

I am soo glad to hear that you have some what of a peace right now. I am continually praying for you in these hard times, as I too understand. I love you sooo much and am truly thankful to have you as one of my best friends. I seriously mean it, you are very special to me!!!