where do you hide?

people hurting everywhere i look....but they are trying to hide and mask the pain. some peoples masks are better than others...some hide behind fears...some hide in craziness....some hide out in the open in large groups of people acting like nothing is wrong...some where there hurt as scars on their arms and legs...some are so entrenched in the hurt they can't see a way out of it...some people are hurting so much that everything around them seems hopeless and they give up all together...some people just shut down and shut out life...some make jokes and hide behind sarcasm...how many people ever really deal with the pain and move on in life? how many people just stay hidden behind their facades...afraid of what might happen if they let down the facade...if they face the pain and the hurt...can some people even hide in the guise of getting help? pain and suffering are life's staples...can anyone ever really move past them all? it's just too much to hope for i think sometimes...i don't know...all i know is that i see hurting people all around me...and from this i cannot hide...

Rt. 66...day 4

Today we traveled from Albuquerque, New Mexico to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma...We got back on the ol' Rt. 66 roadway...New Mexico has to be one of the prettiest states we drove through...

As we arrived in Texas...we managed to find the "first/last motel" in Texas...not much to look at anymore...you know I couldn't help the saddenss I felt as we drove through all of these deserted little towns...what this must of been like back in the day...

Today was the day that we hit the mid-way point of Rt. 55. We stopped at the mid-point cafe in Texas....great liitle spot with very friendly people and amazing food!

This is Mid-Point Cafe's signiture pir...made with"ugly" crust...it was absolutely delightful :) If you ever ge to this cafe make sure you save room for sessert it's a must!!

Rt. 66...day 3...detour

Yesterday we ventured off the beaten path of Rt. 66 and drove the Grand Canyon...One of the tope 5 breath-taking things I have ever seen...there isn't a whole lot I can say about what I saw...and the pictures barely do it justice...but I will let the pictures try to tell you what I cannot:

After the Grand Cayon we made our way bk onto Rt. 66 and found probably one of the greatest motels you could ever stay in...who wouldn't want to stay in a teepee...

I mean really...and the vintage cars to top it

off gotta love it :)

After the wigwam motel, we went on a search for a giant jackrabbit with larte white pointy teeth...it took awhile...but we soon found it...


And I tamed it...I ain't afraid of no rascally jackrabbit

:)






So...I hiked around the Grand Cayon...visited the indians...tamed a wild beast...and then paid an expensive toll to see a forest, that's not so much a forest really...but it was still beautiful and well worth the time and money...now you will see a few pictures from the petrified forest and painted desert...enjoy:

Day 3 was a beautiful day!! Too beautiful to put into words...I hope the few pictures I picked out gives you a glimmer of our day yesterday...keep watching the blog...I will post today's events tomorrow...I'm super tired tonight...we drove from Alburuerque, New Mexico to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma today and tomorrow we will be heading to Southern Illinois with more great sites to see. Night :)

Rt. 66...day 2

Route 66...the mother road...what I was hoping for and expecting all along...open road...nothing for miles and miles around :) Today was a much better day of driving. More sites to see...more ground covered...we actually made it out of California!! (Mom didn't like Cali too much...she couldn't wait to be out of there...for me it was mixed...I'm all about making good time and getting plenty of road behind me...but California has been a fairly big chapter in my life, so I was sad to see it go.


Ready to see some of the things I saw along the way from Arcadia to Kingman? Too late...I'm going to show you whether you like it or not:

Wide open spaces...nothing but hot desert for miles and miles. If I ever decide to drive Rt. 66 again remind me to NOT drive it in the dead of summer...with no air conditioner...and a car that likes to overheat (meaning you have to drive a good part of the desert with the heat on)...but that's what memories are made of right?!?

Newbury Springs took my mom and I by surprise...we both did a double take...then a fast U-turn so I could back and take these pictures...It looks like a memorial to the town:

Dedicated to the town that once stood here...Newbury :)

Ambroy - motel, diner, gas station, memorabilia...another little town in the middle of nowhere California...

That's just a bit of what I saw today...can't wait for tomorrow!!!

Rt. 66...here we go...

I'm on my way bk to Illinois...I start school in just a couple of weeks...crazy, huh?!? I decided that if I was going to drive cross country I might as well have fun with it, right? So why not live out one of my dreams and travel via Rt. 66. My mom and I arrived in Santa Monica lasl night @ 5pm...we stopped for dinner and had the most amazing cheesburger, Yum :)

It was officially 6pm when we started driving on Rt. 66...We drove through Santa Monica, Beverly Hills, West Hollywood and Arcadia...4 hours and a stop @ the cheescake factory later we decided to get a hotel and call it quits for the night. I wasn't quite expecting the stop and go and hidden paths of Rt. 66. I was a bit frustrated with the lack of preperation and navigation and signage at the start of the trip...there were deffinately some points we were literally driving around in circles. I saw more of downtown LA than I ever expected to...but at least I get to say that I saw Rodeo Drive and Sunset Blvd. Today we will be making our way to Arizona...Let's see what surprises Rt. 66 holds for us...

broken hearts unite

it amazes me to find out how many people have been affected by sucide. how many people have lost somesone close to them in this fashion? i never realized how prevelant this disease was until more recently. how many people do i come in contact with on a daily basis that have no hope? hopelessness...desperation...pain, oh so much pain...how can one touch all those that are hurting so? Lord you are our Healer...you are our Hope...Lord this pain inside of me is almost more than i can bear and i lean on you. Lord i just don't understand. there are so many questions...

yet we don't always get the answers...but you surround us with people who have felt the same pain...the same questions...the same experiences...you provide comfort in through those people. people who can come up beside you, put their arm around you and tell you: " i know what it feels like i don't understand either, but i'm here for you."

familiar yet foreign

i feel so out of place...i look around me...i know all of this...this is too familiar...i know what i should do...how to act...everything looks just like i left it...but something has changed...something is not quite the same...something is foreign and i am not sure it really belongs...
is it me? or is it the furniture? what's changed? i just can't figure it out...it almost feels like i'm in the twilight zone...you know where everything looks the same on the outside...but something is drastically wrong...its not home.
i feel anxious and concerned...i know how to dress the part...but i don't know what to expect.
how can something so familiar be so foreign? how can something that felt so much like home feel more like an abandoned warehouse? i just don't understand what has happened...i just don't know what to do...

tomorrow

my stomache is churning...i'm feeling anxious...the dread is overwhelming...

i wish i could wish away tomorrow...i wish tomorrw didn't have to happen...i'm not ready for tomorrow...

tomorrow reality hits...tomorrow i have to face what i have been avoiding all week...tomorrow i have to say goodbye...

tomorrow is my cousin's funeral...he was 17 years old...and about week ago he decided to take his own life...

tomorrow makes my worst fears and nightmares more real...tomorrow brings so much pain and sorrow...

my heart aches for the people i will encounter tomorrow...tomorrwo i am not the only one hurting...tomorrow i am not the only one searching

tomorrow there will be no answers...tomorrow there is no promise of understanding...tomorrow just is, tomorrow...

i dread facing the realities of tomorrow...i don't know how to deal with tomorrow...i don't know how to heal from tomorrow...

tomorrow is a day i wish would never be...i wish i could live without tomorrow...i wish i could wish tomorrow away...

what makes my heart break...

i woke up this morning sad and hurting...all i could think about were students i've known and students i have yet to meet...i think about how with each generation these kids are being forced into adulthood earlier and earlier...i think about all the broken homes and broken hearts...how the trend is less and less focused on families and more focused on self...how do i take care of myself? what's most important for me? and so on and so on...with each passing generation students are faced with harder and unbelievable issues...with each generation students seem to neglected more and more...with each generation the attitude of students becomes more and more apethetic...being a kid and being excited for what life has to offer is being exchanged for just getting by and finding ways to numb oneself from the harsh realities of life and having to go it alone...ask a student who their support system is and you will be suprised by their answers...you will hear things like, "my friends" or "i don't have/need one" you might hear "my family or my church" but this is rare...the older generations are suppossed to be investing in these younger generations...we are suppossed to be preparing them for life...but we ignore them, reject them, are repulsed by them...there is this great divide between the younger generations and the older ones...neither really understands the other...and neither really wants to...the older feels disrespected and the younger feels rejected...this is what makes my heart break...this is what makes me sad...i heard an unbelievable statistic the other day...someone said that ever 16 minutes a teenager takes his/her own life...suicide is more prevelent amongst teenagers than any other age...again at an age where hope of life should prevail...there is nothing they feel is worth living for...they have their whole life ahead of them...yet for them that is a painful thought filled with dread...how sad is this? are we willing to help bring change? what can we do?

questions

there are just no words to describe what is going on inside of me. there is so much pain and anguish all around me and within. i can't make heads or tails of anything right now. i am second guessing everything i once knew. or thought i knew...all i know at the moment is that life gets harder and harder as you move forward. whoever said being an adult was fun must not have been an adult and should be punched in the face! i have so many unanswered questions. i'm told that i just need to let go and let God have it...i need to trust Him more. will i ever trust him fully? will i ever trust him enough? i don't know if i am capable. i just don't understand why we/i have to go throguh so much hurt. i don't know how to glorify God in it. i don't know how to deal with it or cope. i just hurt...i shut down...i ask questions...i have a compulsion to find out why...to gain some sort of undersatinding of something...i long for something tangible that i can hold onto. but i feel like i continually come up empty. yet when i think back to all i have gone through in the past and i see how God's hand has brought me through each of those events...i'm ashamed of how i struggle so. i should be the most trusting and hopeful person after seeing all the miracles God's hands have performed...after acknowledging and seeing how God has taken care of me why do i question him now and doubt or get angry with him? it really makes no sense when you think about it logically. for being an analytical thinker, i'm not very logical at times. ironic huh? don't ask me...i don't know why my brain works the way it does. i'm just torn and confused and broken and worn down. and i don't know what to do about it...i know what not to do about it...but that only helps me so much. it's time for the next step...any ideas asto what that is?

don't forget to smell the roses...

I was in the process of writing an e-mail to a friend this morning...and this title hit me..."don't forget to smell the roses." Then I remembered something one of my friends told me earlier this week - "Sarah, walk." You know that whole 'be still' concept...well I kinda suck at it. If I'm not doing something then my mind goes into overdrive...it spins with everything I'm not doing and should be doing or want to be doing. I forget to thank God for the wonderful things He has done for me today...I neglect to wonder at His glories all around me. I am trying to find ways to 'smell the roses.' I don't want to go through life not having expeirenced it. So, what do I do...well this week, I try to walk to work a little bit slower...i close my eyes and feel the sun...I look around at the trees, the sky, the mountain and let my breath get taken away.
You know I read somewhere about how children can spend hours marveling on one seemingly insignificant thing...to have that childlike wonder again...and oh, how we as adults push that mentality away. We have to hurry...no doddling...come on, lets go now...it's hard to remember to smell the roses or even want to when you get rebuked for it, whether by someone else or even by your own self. Someone asked once..."What are we all running to anyways, why are they in such a hurry."
When you get caught up in the business of the day ask yourself two questions...(1) Why am I running? (2) Did I smell the roses today?

Purpose...what a dreaded word

I have been in Southern California, working at Pine Summit Christian Camp for almost two months now. A few of you know that when I got here I entered a time of confusion, transition and insecruity. This camp has been up for sale since before I came...when I got here I was told that their was a serious buyer. Then I was informed that I might lose my job fairly soon and be coming back home far before planned. To say that this transition and my time thus far has been hard would be a great understatement. I struggled and battled with God..."Why did you even bring me out here, if I am only going to turn around and go back home? What is the purpose? What is my purpose here...what am I to do in such a short period of time? I can't do what I thought I was coming here to do?" And so on...
Tension, stress and anxiety have run amuck...God has been challenging me to live one day at a time...I mean really live and obey...So this past couple of weeks I have been going through this cycle of living and obeying for the day and leaving the rest in God's hands...to freaking out - "Lord, what's my purpose here? What am I doing...what am I suppossed to be doing...I feel like a failure."
Which brings me to today...yesterday I gave a book to someone who was brought to mind kinda out of the blue. To be honest I felt a little silly doing it...why would they want to read this book...they don't have enough time on their hands, etc. Despite these things I gave it to him. Well today he gave it back after finishing it late last night. Though he did not agree with everything in the book God used it to encourage and help him...and he shared that with me...I wasn't expecting this...
Something so small and insignificant in my mind...but it is what God used...so I started again to think about purpose...and I remembered this blog and what it stands for...what my journey in life is suppossed to be focused on...I am called to love others...I am called to be sensative to the Spirit's leading...I am called to serve those around me...if I do these things God will take care of the rest...He will use who He's going to use, how He's going to use them, all in His time. I don't rest enough in this truth...this is what I am learning.
So, I post my first blog of 2008 talking about purpose...I may not keep up with this daily, weekly or even monthly...and I don't expect you to check this that often...but when it is time for me to write, I write...who knows what purpose it might serve...if any...but I have to be willing to do it anyways...even if I don't understand the reasons...

whatever is true...

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of respect, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if something is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things,"(Phillippians 4:8).

a few years ago while i was working at timber-lee christian center, i had a mentor who challenged me with this verse. she encouraged me to take every thought captive and hold it up against what i know to be true...it is amazing how incredibly hard this can be at times. i'll admit that one of my biggest struggles in life is being confident in who God has created me to be. i know it...but i don't always believe it...i am at constant war within my own mind of what is true and what isn't...some days the lies are easier to spot...and some days i just really don't know what the truth is...

so why am i telling you all this...well, this morning i had a customer tell me that i was incompetent...boy did that srike a nerve...it hurt...it's NOT true...and yet it gnaws at me...and frustrates me...how could he say something like that? why do i automatically second guess myself? why am i so apt to believe the lie and have to fight so hard to trust in and believe the turth? it just doesn't make sense...and so is my plight...the source of my fristration and anger at the moment...and thus the need to vent and the purpose of this post...

now that i have vented...and now you know my struggle...i just want to ask you for prayer...i am weary of this battle...i know i am God's child...i may struggle, but i am not incompetent...i don't always think before i say or do something, but i am not dumb...pray that i will continue to grow in confidence in God's truth...in who i am...i have come a long way since that time at timber-lee...and that is a praise within itself...i just need to contiue to hold on to and fight for the truth...

relief

for the past week and a half i have been struggling and battling with being anxious...anxious about what i was doing, going to do, how i should act, etc. basically, between changing jobs, moving back home and re-evaluating relationships, i have been tossed into a sea of unknowns...and if anyone really knows me, i don't like not knowing - just being honest. so i wonder, have i made the right decisions, what else do i need to change, what is my role in the family, how should i act toward this or that person now that the relationship has changed...and so on...
and again for those that know me, once my brain gets going it just snowballs...i have a very difficuly time shutting it off...so i am left with lack of sleep and constantly second guessing myself...which then lead to frustration and anger becasue i just don't know what to do or think...and though i would try to hold onto what i knew to be Truth...after a while i could barely distinguish what the Truth was...
throughout this time i also battled with giving things up to God and leaving things in His hands...as much as i wanted to and tried i also wanted to control and figure things out...not a very good cycle...nor trusting...but it is where i was at...
but today when i woke up something clicked...changed...i still didn't have answers to all of these questions...but today it was ok...i didn't need them...i had peace despite all these uncertainies...
do you ever wonder in the midst of times like these what's the point? like, why am i really here...is it just to get through the muck of the day...or is there more...
i was thinking about that last night due to a movie i had just watched - freedom writers- (excellent movie by the way)...and some things i had been reading lately all started coming together...giving me purpose/drive inside of this time of uncertainty...there is more to this life than these transitions...i was reminded of the bigger picture, and all of my problems becaame less of a burden...i don't know how to describe it really...it just happened...
i know that transition and change are apart of this life...and though it still kinda sucks to be in the middle of it...that is not all there is...i am here on this earth to be loved and have a relationship with God and love others with that same unabiding love...my purpose is to seek out the kingdom of heaven and let God use me if He so chooses to reach out to others for His kingdom...i am God's child bound for heaven...and though i still have to work my way through this rough transition and live life here on earth my home is in heaven! i know this can sound like a sunday school answer...but for the first time ever this concept is more than jus an answer...it has become apart of my life really truely...
so i have peace...i have relief from the burdens i have been carrying for the last few weeks...today i am ready to move on and let God do what He is going to do...
it still amazes me how something so simple is soo hard to grasp...let alone believe and put into practice...crazy huh?!?

can't sleep

so it is 3 in the morning...and i am wide awake...what the crap is that all about?!? i truely don't understand...i really dislike not being able to sleep...not going to lie...
so how does one be productive this eaarly in the morning? does one really have to be? i sure don't feel up to it...but yet at the same time i feel anxious/jittery...oh well...
with all this in mind i thought i would share about yesterday...yesterday we had our practice day at bebe's coffee house...friends and family came in...we practiced our drink making ability and learned how to make sandwiches...it was fun...tomorrow we open officially!!! i can't believe it...if it were tomorrow i would be getting up shortly anyways, thus being awak at this hour wouldn't be that bad...but today when i don't have to get up until 7:30...well i am sure you all can understand...
i think i am done babbling...hope you all are sleeping well tonight :) i will catch up with yous later.

confusion

so i have been thinking...i know this can be dangerous...


why is it that as a child of God and follower of Christ - those who have recieved the most grace and unabiding and unfailing love be the same ones who love so little and judge so harshly those around us...why, if i am being covered and spared by Christ's blood and am loved unconditionally is it hard to accept for myself or pour out onto others? how can we who have recieved so much love from You, be the same ones who lock up our hearts from the rest of the world...

why is it that the ones you have spent so much time and thought into intricately forming and creating be the same ones who try to change or hide or be ashamed of who we are...who you made us to be...me to be...we are our own worsts critics...why if i am truly and wonderfully made, do i have a hundred thoughts or more in a day critiquing myself as to how i should change to be someone different? do i even think about how the critques of myself hurt the you as my maker???

why do we as christians hide more behind masks than any non-believer i know? why does it feel like churches are one of the most unaccepting and judgemental places for a non-believer?

i struggle, because as a christian i believe that i should not only live vibrantly in confidence of who i am in Christ...but i should also be one of the most accepting, gracious, loving and forgiving persons of this world...i mean i am freely loved and accepted as i am this moment - good, bad and ugly.

let’s be honest here...when one really thinks about all this it makes no sense...we are loved yet withhold love...we are accepted yet push away acceptance...we have been bestowed grace and yet judge...we are wonderfully made yet strive to change...

i know that these are some bold and broad accusations...but again can anyone honestly say that since they have become a one of God's own they have not struggled with one of the above? i don't know it just causes me to wonder...

training day :)

yesterday, we started our coffee training...we played with the espsresso machine quite a bit...and we drank more coffee than i can even measure out...can i just say that i will prbably be addicted to the stuff before the month's out! is this a good thing? i'm not sure how i feel about it...but i am excited about becoming barista :) soon i will know almost all there is to know about this coffee business...crazy huh?!?

just so you know...that is what a "good" espresso is supossed to look like...this is the easy part too...

then comes the not so easy part...adding the steamed, foaming milk...lets just say we all need a little practice...sil and i decided to buy a gallon of milk to perfect our steaming/foaming ability...

well that's all for now...more to come soon as we get closer to being open...

at the airport

hi all!! here i am...waiting at the airport in portland...waiting to board my plane and come home. and i have to say, that i am excited!! i am excited to see the chicago skyline as the plane lands tonight...i am excited to sleep in my own bed...i am excited to see and spend time with people i love and care for and haven't seen in a week :) i know it has only been a week...but still i missed them very much! and i am excited to start my new job on tuesday...
this last week was such a blessing :) i got some very much needed rest. this week was completely stress free...no worries whatsoever...something i haven't had in a long while and i am grateful for it :) tif, my old roomate from wisconsin, and i had a great week together...she was a great blessing too...it was so nice to spend time with her and catch up and see how life has been treating her and what not. we went out and celebrated new beingings in a unique way...let's just say that i marked this transition in my life...(you might be able to see it in the picture...if not you'll understand when i see you all)
i am ready to take on this next step in my life...and where it might lead i haven't the slightest clue...but i am expecting great and marvelous things...oh, and i am sure that there will be hard things in there too...cause let's be honest how else would i grow...we all know i can be a bit stubborn :) anyways...please keep praying for me during this time of transition and what not...that i will contiune to seek out God's purpose in the everyday and the here and now...thank you all...see you when i get home...have to run i will be boarding soon!

moving day

hey all!! how's life been treating you? how have you been treating life? life and i have wrestled a bit in the last couple of weeks...but that's a good thing...it has made me be decisive and make some important decisions. so i thought i would take a brief moment and let you all know what is going on...
well, yesterday was my last workig day here at dickson valley camp. part af me is sad to be done...but i know that it is just time to move on. to what you might be asking...good question...in a week i will start training at a local coffee shop that will be officially opening up march 12th. bebe's coffee house...all must come and visit if you can...the joint is looking great and will be quite the hang out :) i am excited for the change of pace...for a long while i had been thinking about how fun it would be to work in a coffee shop and now here is my chance...don't get me wrong, my heart is still geared towards camping ministry...i am just at a crossroads and don't know where to go with it right now...so i am looking at these next couple of months as a sabatical...time to recharge and refocus...so as to be prepared for whatever God will call me to next. i am aso praying that during this time God and i can reconnect on an intimate level...i'll be honest...i've been worn out these last couple of months and He has been getting my bare minimum...i know it's true and i'm not going to lie...
so today is the big moving day! i will be moving out of my apt. here at camp and will be moving back home for awhile. tomorrow i get to take a trip to oregon - i've never been there before - and visit tiffiny my old room mate from timber-lee...then when i come back i jump into a new schedule and atmoshpere...
please pray with me during this transitional time...also pray that during this time at the coffee shop i will be able to reach out to people that don't know the Lord...that God will provide me with many opportunities to love on and build relationships with many different people coming and going from this shop. thank you :) love you all!!!

encouraging words

i know that this is unusual for me to write within such a short time...but i really wanted to share about my weekend...so this weekend at camp we have one group in...pni...this group comes out to camp every summer and winter...and through my time here i have come to know and cherish various different people in this group...well, i have been struggling with remembering my purpose for being here...i'll be honest, lately i have been going through the motions...doing what i know i need to do but longing for that passion i once had...and throughout this weekend God has used the leaders in this group to encourage and refresh me...God has used this time to show me a glimpse of what He has done through me during my time here...and i was just blown away...i think that many people much like myself have a hard time remembering, let alone seeing the bigger picture...and when we forget about that picture and only see what is right around us day in and day out we miss out on something joyous...something i don't even know how to explain...we can lose our drive to make our part of the picture vibrant and unique...we fall into conforming to what's around us because, let's be honest, it is easier...we don't have to think about it or go against the flow...and just end up floating along...that is where i have been...but God is stirring something within me...something that hasn't been awaken in awhile...i don't know how to put it into words...i don't know if there are words for it...but please be in prayer for me...
again i just wanted to thank you all for your encouragement and prayers as of late too...it has done wonders for my soul...really and truly...thank you sooo much...and my prayer for all of you is that God will encourage and bless you all as much and more than He has used you all to bless me...i hope you all have a wonderful week :)

(side note...i met this pretty great worship leader this weekend...his name is thomas dickerson...we had a nice chat about being filled with Jesus and reaching out to those around us in a non-conforming way...anyways, he has a huge passion for seeking those who don't know Jesus...i mean really know Him personally...and he has been blessed with the opportunity to start off in the music business...it is through a new secular publishing company...but God has some neat things in store for all those involved...it is exciting for him...all this to say, he has a cd coming out soon..."calling all nations"...look for it...i think you will enjoy it.)